July 31, 2016
Today we went home. Every second of it felt wrong. I know you are with me and Daddy always, but it still felt like saying goodbye. Bringing you home in a tiny box, containing an even tinier red velvet bag, felt so wrong. Traffic was brutal, I cried until I was sick, and both Mowgli and Cali ended up sick. Daddy held you in his lap the whole ride home. It’s not a ride in a car seat back from the hospital, but it is the best we will ever have.
This house feels like a prison of memories. Seeing the nursery returned to a guestroom brought me to my knees. Thank goodness your Daddy was there to catch me. I found the package of positive pregnancy tests I had saved. The so comforted me once, proving that you really existed. I couldn’t believe we could be so lucky and so I proved it to myself every single morning. I’ll never part with them – my concrete proof that this wasn’t just a terrible dream.
Daddy keeps trying to comfort me, saying there will be another baby. While I so want a baby, there will never be another Isaac Immel.
Unfortunately, I’ve become a bit obsessed over what happened to you. I know my body failed you, but I can’t help wondering if there was something else we missed. Maybe your toes, while perfect to me, might not have been normal? For all I know you were genetically perfect – I mean you were perfect and we love every millimeter of you. I just want to know why I am not laying here cuddling you. What did we miss? Could we have prevented it?
The doctor in New Hampshire said we would have results in a few months. I need answers now. The wondering is eating me alive.
Mommy’s are supposed to be strong and I promise I am trying. I will be better for you. I just need more time.
Your Grandpa almost finished your signed for me today. He sanded it down and hammered on a gorgeous copper border. It still needs varnish, but it came out better than I imagined. I am certainly going to make one for home. We also got a letter from Grandpa’s friends. They’re going to get us a pin oak for home too. I can’t wait. We want to have a physical place to feel close to you. We will put a bench under it and it will be lovely. This isn’t how it was supposed to be, but we will try to make the best of it.