August 2, 2016
Today Daddy and I went through the boxes that came while we were in New Hampshire. Lots of great things came for you from people who loved you. There was so much to love in such a tiny package. We tucked some away for another day, but other things I had picked for your room we decided to keep out as reminders of you. We kept and adorable bright textile from Australia. We kept a mini globe that says “Adventure Awaits”. I hope you are on a fantastic and dreamy adventure somewhere.
I missed you so much today. Hardly a second went by that I didn’t think of you. Today’s fixation was your smile. I think I can imagine what it would have looked like. Gosh – you were cute. I would do anything to make you smile. I would also do anything to hold you again one last time. I also wish beyond anything that I had known our time together was about to end so abruptly. I wish I could have said goodbye, or known that I needed to memorize the way your kung fu kicks felt in my belly.
Today we saw one of those things that is as close to magic as we will ever get. It started with your Daddy convincing me to go outside with Mowgli. Then I saw a big yellow butterfly. No big deal – right? But then I realized that the entire bush below was covered in perfect yellow butterflies. I don’t know why they were there, and they were gone a few hours later, but they were so perfect in that moment. I called your Daddy out to show him and he found a way to top the butterflies. The trees next to our house were filled with tiny gorgeous goldfinches. I’ve never seen anything like it – there were tiny yellow creatures flying all around us. It had to be you.
Until that moment I felt so lost today. Even eating felt like a chore. It scares me. Your Daddy has a haircut and an interview tomorrow, and I wish I could say that I will be OK tomorrow. I just haven’t felt up to the chores of daily life. Daddy wants your Grandma Cindy and Aunt EB to come up and keep me company and take care of me. I don’t want them to see me so broken. I don’t enjoy not wanting to get out of bed and not wanting to do anything. I am embarrassed enough that your Daddy has to see me so destroyed and pathetic. Anyways, Mommy could use an extra dose of strength from you tomorrow, baby boy. I know that’s a bit backward. The Mommy is supposed to be the strong one. I promise I will be your strong Mommy again.
Love you forever,