Journal

Day 8

/ Isaac's Mom / Leave a comment

July 24, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Tomorrow, we get a piece of you back . . . a physical piece that is.  On the one hand, this is not at all what I want.  I want to hold you in my arms.  I want to cuddle you.  I want to sing to you, to feed you and change your diapers.  I want to know what color your eyes would have been.  I want to watch you flourish and become the amazing son and man that I know you would have been.  On the other hand, I know that is not possible, and a small physical piece of you is better than nothing at all.

Mommy had a hard day of missing you, Isaac.  I keep waiting for someone to wake me up from this twisted nightmare.  This was never how it was supposed to be.  If Mommy and Daddy’s love alone had been all you needed, you would have lived forever.

I’m sorry to be such a downer – I did, after all, promise lighter and happier things.  We made “progress” today.  Daddy convinced Mommy to get in Big Brown again.  You see, we went out on a lunch and ice cream adventure to Squam Marketplace in Big Brown the day before we lost you.  The idea of going without you terrified me.  I decided I just had to push through the sadness and go for it, or risk never getting in that beautiful boat again.  Daddy and I sat in the way back.  Sure – I bawled the first few minutes (I miss my baby), but slowly I let Daddy, the beautiful day and the gorgeous lake remind me that life (as terrible as it may seem at times) is still something to cherish.  You aren’t here to enjoy things like boat rides; so I have to appreciate them for the both of us.  I am choosing to live and enjoy my life, and be a better person while doing so, because you deserve it.

Also, your Daddy was amazing.  He comforted me and sheltered me from the cold spraying water.  We even had a date (of sorts) tonight.  We watched a cheesy movie (Terminator), ate Meatloaf and had some wine.  I didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as I love him.

The rest of the family went out.  We considered going, but Daddy decided I am not ready and he is almost always right.  If I am overwhelmed by the family dinner table, how will I feel in public?  Right now? Raw, exposed and vulnerable.  Plus the idea of pants or other clothing makes me way too uncomfortable.  Besides, the alone time with Daddy was much needed.  Did I mention I’ll love him?  I’ll have to start telling you stories about our nearly 6 years together.  If someone had told us 6 years ago where we would be today, we would not have believed it, but despite the pain I would do it all over again for the time we had with you.

Love you always,

Mommy

Day 6

/ Isaac's Mom / Leave a comment

July 22, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday.  It is unfathomable to me that a week ago, you and I were ripping through the final stages of labor.  It really still feels like time should have stopped without you.  While life is utterly worth living, it’s a small mercy that you will never have to learn first hand that life is not fair.

Some people continue to amaze me with their compassion and kindness.  Writing to you each night has been the most therapeutic thing for me each day.  Your grandpa’s best friend and his wife sent a truly beautiful journal with the sweetest note about how sometimes the most comforting words are our own.  I always joked that you were going to have the most “aunties” and “uncles” of any kid out there.  So many people were so excited to meet you and spoil you.  I hope you know how deeply loved you were.

Mommy tried some coping mechanisms today.  Your Aunt Izzy purchased us a coloring book called “Release Your Anger”. It’s a book full of illustrated bad words that mommy and Daddy would never have let you use.  Coloring was the most relievingly mindless activity.  I also looked at some blogs and quotes from people who have similarly had to say goodbye to their perfect babies far too soon.  We feel sad and empty without you.  While I wish no one else ever had to experience such a gut-wrenching loss, it is comforting to know that we are not alone and that what we feel is some sad sort of normal.

I promise to write you happier things soon!  I’ll leave you with something positive.  Aunt Lisa made meatloaf tonight.  She’s spoiling me with my favorites and it was thoroughly delicious.  I can feel my appetite starting to return.

Anyways, I miss you so much wherever you are.  I hope my love is reaching you.

Love forever and always,

Your Mommy