July 22, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday.  It is unfathomable to me that a week ago, you and I were ripping through the final stages of labor.  It really still feels like time should have stopped without you.  While life is utterly worth living, it’s a small mercy that you will never have to learn first hand that life is not fair.

Some people continue to amaze me with their compassion and kindness.  Writing to you each night has been the most therapeutic thing for me each day.  Your grandpa’s best friend and his wife sent a truly beautiful journal with the sweetest note about how sometimes the most comforting words are our own.  I always joked that you were going to have the most “aunties” and “uncles” of any kid out there.  So many people were so excited to meet you and spoil you.  I hope you know how deeply loved you were.

Mommy tried some coping mechanisms today.  Your Aunt Izzy purchased us a coloring book called “Release Your Anger”. It’s a book full of illustrated bad words that mommy and Daddy would never have let you use.  Coloring was the most relievingly mindless activity.  I also looked at some blogs and quotes from people who have similarly had to say goodbye to their perfect babies far too soon.  We feel sad and empty without you.  While I wish no one else ever had to experience such a gut-wrenching loss, it is comforting to know that we are not alone and that what we feel is some sad sort of normal.

I promise to write you happier things soon!  I’ll leave you with something positive.  Aunt Lisa made meatloaf tonight.  She’s spoiling me with my favorites and it was thoroughly delicious.  I can feel my appetite starting to return.

Anyways, I miss you so much wherever you are.  I hope my love is reaching you.

Love forever and always,

Your Mommy