sad

Day 11

/ Isaac's Mom / Leave a comment

July 27, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Today was a busy day.  Dadd and I went to my second blood pressure check.  My medicine is working and my blood pressure has finally returned to a normal level.  I also had to get some blood work.  I was so scared after the difficulty they had when I was having you.  The nurse was the one who had to get down on the floor to draw blood from my fingertips.  She could not believe how different I looked.  Retrospectively, my face was SO swollen.  The nurse told me her sister-in-law went through the same thing we’re going through with her first and went on to have three normal pregnancies.  Daddy and I would love to give you three healthy little brothers or sisters.  I promise to tell them all about their handsome big brother.

On the way to the doctor, we stopped and got a new dress for me at a totally out of place boutique in Ashland.  We are going out to dinner with my family and I no longer have any clothes that fit since I have lost at least 25 pounds since I had you.  We also stopped at two hardware stores to find the right sized Dremel bit for making signs.  I’m determined to make your signs perfect.  Your daddy found his favorite southern soda, big Red.  We even stopped for ice cream before heading to Speare.

When we finally got home, we found out that 23 people donated to Speare’s Labor & Delivery Department in your memory.  It’s amazing to see how much you affected people and also oddly relieving to know that your passing can help other families somehow.  If we can’t have you, at least we can help someone else.

I practiced writing your name with the Dremel and have moderately improved.  I didn’t have a ton of time because I took the 13 foot Whaler out while you Daddy practiced rowing in a single for the first time.  He looked great, he didn’t flip, and his smile melted my sad heart.  I bet you would have had a smile just like him.

Lisa made Shepherd’s Pie tonight.  It’s such an amazing comfort food and I really needed it after such a (comparatively) busy day.  As I finish with the day’s distractions and get tired, my mind wanders to “what-ifs” and anger, and fixates on losing you.  I’m supposed to be almost 34 weeks pregnant with you rolling around in my belly.  I’m supposed to be finishing your nursery.  Daddy and I are supposed to be waiting for you and looking forward to meeting you.  Instead, we are heartbroken and missing you.  An actual piece of me is gone.  I actually slapped myself earlier to make sure I wouldn’t wake up and realize this was all a terrible dream.  I’m trying to tell that I miss you, I love you, and that I would do ANYTHING to have you back where you belong.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mommy

Day 10

/ Isaac's Mom / Leave a comment

July 26, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

I cannot believe you were born 10 days ago.  It simultaneously feels like a lifetime ago and the blink of an eye.  I’ve already told you how I wish time would stop.  Part of me is just scared that people will forget about how important you are or that they will fail to understand that it still hurts so badly.  Your Daddy and I will never forget you and will never forget how important you are to us.  You made us parents and you are our son.

I left the house today by choice (not for a doctor).  Daddy and I went to the Squam Marketplace in Holderness.  I was trying to be strong for you and I did alright at first.   I picked some wine and browsed a bit while Daddy ordered our sandwiches.  I had forgotten that the store sold onesies that matched our T-shirts (yes – we accidentally wore matching T-shirts from where we got lunch).  I avoided that section but got upset when I remembered.  Then I realized there were little boys all over the shop and got too upset to stay.  Jealousy is not cute, but I was sad and angry that we would never get to be those families.  Your daddy comforted me (as always) and took me home.

I did my best to keep busy.  I learned two more of the stitches I need for our rainbow embroidery.  French knots are SO hard for me, but I will keep practicing.  I also started practicing with the Dremel!  My first “I” was pretty rough.  Things seemed to improve when I tried cursive.  I wish I had better handwriting.  I will probably make at least twenty signs before I start to think they are good enough.  I had been feeling this sense of urgency on these projects, but am realizing it is better to really practice and make them as nice as you deserve.

I just hope wherever you are you can feel how much I love and miss you – your Daddy too.  Goodnight, sweet baby.

Love you the most,

Mommy

P.S. Daddy and I looked at the stars for a bit tonight.  We know you’re out there.

Day 9

/ Isaac's Mom / Leave a comment

July 25, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Today your Grandma and Grandpa brought you home to us.  For obvious reasons, it was really hard.  Your Grandma went to pass you to me in your alarmingly tiny red velvet bag and I froze.  Fortunately, you have the strongest Daddy in the world and he stepped in.  We took you to our NH temporary home (The Bunk House) and looked at the pictures from our brief time together.  I hugged your tiny hat and held your baby hospital bracelet.  Daddy and I had a good solid cry and tucked you in for now.

Your Grandpa brought me back a Dremel to use to make some “Isaac” signs.  He’s an incredibly generous man.  When I was maybe 13 years old (maybe 11?), my parents sent me to an overnight camp.  The camp was primarily for sports.  While I got significantly more athletic as an adult, I was an asthmatic wimp back then (some would joke that I still am).  I hated camp but for one activity.  In the woodshop, we would use a router to carve wooden signs.  When I came home, I insisted on making them for al of the New Hampshire houses and more.  Hopefully eighteen years or so later I can still figure it out.

I also started practicing embroidery to make the project I had once planned for your nursery. It will say, “When it rains look for rainbows.  When it’s dark look for stars.”  I’m hoping these words I meant to encourage you as you grew will both remind me of you and remind me to find positives in the darkest of times such as these. I’m an amateur at best, but hope I can make something as good as you deserve.

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Your Daddy and Grandpa went rowing in the double today.  Your Grandpa is one of the top rowers in his age group, in the world, and it turns out your Daddy is a natural.  You should have seen them flying across the cover.  I wish they could have taught you.  I know you would have been tall and a natural as well.  Your Daddy is such an athlete.  He runs fast, he hikes fast and now he rows fast.  He’s just so good at everything he puts his mind to.  He’s the coolest daddy around and I so wish I could have seen you together.  I bet he’s dreaming of you right this very moment.  I love you more than anyone else ever could, but your Daddy is the closest second.  Goodnight, my sweet boy.

Love you forever,

Mommy