July 23, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Your journal is here!  It’s beautiful, and the colors and constellations on the cover remind me of peaceful happy times.  I’ve spent the last 6 years looking to the skies for signs of my Bup Bup (your great grandpa) in the form of a rainbow.  He was the coolest, most loving grandfather, and we have decided that there is no way he isn’t taking care of you in our Judaism-defying heaven.  Ultimately, I feel like the stars are where he tucks you in at night, which makes this cover seem fitting.  I also love seeing your name written places with some permanence.  I plan to paint the world with your name, because you are my son, my baby, and you deserve it.  I’ll wait to share those ideas.  I want to make sure I can do them justice first.  Nothing but the best for you, munchkin.

It turns out that I may not be the only one writing to you.  Your Aunt EB (yes – you have tons of aunts and uncles) told me about writing to you too.  Your daddy and grandpa have also expressed an interest, but who knows.  You boys are a different breed when it comes to emotions.  Today we Facetimed with your Aunt Sarah.  I hadn’t talked to your daddy’s family.  They love you and miss you so much that I was scared I would fall apart.  Sarah was a good starting point.  She is your daddy’s twin and your cousin Harlan’s mommy.  I so wish you two had the chance to know and love each other.  You two would have ruled the cousins for sure.

I also texted with your Aunt EB.  It was nice to talk about you and what happened to us.  She did tell me that your grandma is still having a hard time talking about losing you.  The first call with her will be the hardest.  She could not wait to spoil you rotten with good, old-fashioned love.  She is so good at that.

I will admit that I broke down mid-day trying to wrap my head around moving on with life without you.  I am scared to exist without you.  I know I just have to keep you with me.  I will ALWAYS keep you in my mind and heart.  I have to learn to live with this new emptiness from not having you here physically.  I read a quote today that mad me happy/sad.  It goes, “I carried you your whole life.”  It’s true and wonderful, but so sad.  As a coworker said, I carried you just beneath my heart so you must know how much I loved you (love you still).  My heart feels much emptier now without you.  I’m working to fill it with love.  Your daddy, Mowgli, Cali and our families are a start, but the Isaac puzzle piece will always be there for you, kid.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mommy

Your Journal