July 23, 2016
Your journal is here! It’s beautiful, and the colors and constellations on the cover remind me of peaceful happy times. I’ve spent the last 6 years looking to the skies for signs of my Bup Bup (your great grandpa) in the form of a rainbow. He was the coolest, most loving grandfather, and we have decided that there is no way he isn’t taking care of you in our Judaism-defying heaven. Ultimately, I feel like the stars are where he tucks you in at night, which makes this cover seem fitting. I also love seeing your name written places with some permanence. I plan to paint the world with your name, because you are my son, my baby, and you deserve it. I’ll wait to share those ideas. I want to make sure I can do them justice first. Nothing but the best for you, munchkin.
It turns out that I may not be the only one writing to you. Your Aunt EB (yes – you have tons of aunts and uncles) told me about writing to you too. Your daddy and grandpa have also expressed an interest, but who knows. You boys are a different breed when it comes to emotions. Today we Facetimed with your Aunt Sarah. I hadn’t talked to your daddy’s family. They love you and miss you so much that I was scared I would fall apart. Sarah was a good starting point. She is your daddy’s twin and your cousin Harlan’s mommy. I so wish you two had the chance to know and love each other. You two would have ruled the cousins for sure.
I also texted with your Aunt EB. It was nice to talk about you and what happened to us. She did tell me that your grandma is still having a hard time talking about losing you. The first call with her will be the hardest. She could not wait to spoil you rotten with good, old-fashioned love. She is so good at that.
I will admit that I broke down mid-day trying to wrap my head around moving on with life without you. I am scared to exist without you. I know I just have to keep you with me. I will ALWAYS keep you in my mind and heart. I have to learn to live with this new emptiness from not having you here physically. I read a quote today that mad me happy/sad. It goes, “I carried you your whole life.” It’s true and wonderful, but so sad. As a coworker said, I carried you just beneath my heart so you must know how much I loved you (love you still). My heart feels much emptier now without you. I’m working to fill it with love. Your daddy, Mowgli, Cali and our families are a start, but the Isaac puzzle piece will always be there for you, kid.
Love you to the moon and back,