July 28, 2016
Today was extra emotional for Mommy. Losing you still feels like some weird out-of-body experience that must have happened to someone else. I just couldn’t work on my Isaac projects because I missed you too badly to focus. It’s possible that yesterday was so busy that I didn’t let myself miss you enough. When I woke up, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I made a real effort for you. I know you want me to try to be happy. The garners brought and planted your tree today. It’s about 15 feet tall and a Pin Oak. Daddy, Mowgli and I watched them dig a great big hole to plant it. It’s like the tree was meant to be here. Pin Oaks grow fast and strong, just like you would have. Some day, we’ll put a bench under its shade so we can read to you and feel close to you. That’s all I can get, so I will take it.
Mommy and Daddy also went to meet your Grandma and Great Aunt Lisa at the League in Sandwich. We got a really nice mug for Daddy that matches the one he has been using here.
We also went out to dinner for the first time. We went to Squam Lake Inn. It was a bit much for me still. There were foods I couldn’t eat while pregnant with you. I was trying to protect you (although it turns out I couldn’t after all). I also couldn’t have alcohol despite constantly craving a margarita. So tonight I decided to have some of the banned items. I had tuna tartare and a margarita. They were a huge let down. I don’t want to be able to have them and they have therefore lost their appeal. You see – I would rather have you in my belly. I’d do anything. I would even sacrifice my own life in a heartbeat to bring you back.
I know I have so much to be grateful for, but you are the most beautiful and innocent thing I ever was responsible for. Daddy and I made you and we worked so hard to do so. You were our miracle.
I never understood why people needed heaven until now. Now, I get it. You must be in some heaven. I can’t understand a world where your spirit doesn’t live on. We just love you too much.
Sweet dreams, Isaac.