July 29, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Two weeks ago today, at the very moment, I was severely in labor with you.  You were about to tear into our lives less than two hours from now.  It really seems like just yesterday that you changed out lives forever.  Today was a big day.  I wrote to our lovely fertility doctor about developing a path to a baby sibling for you.  She may have thought I was crazy, but the idea of a plan keeps us sane.

Mommy and Daddy went into Meredith with your Grandma and Lisa today to check out some shops.  We shopped for a few hours and only ended up with a bit of candy.  We also went to Lakeside View for a burger, sandwich and Mommy’s first postpartum beer.  We even got Ben & Jerry’s ice cream cones after.  For a brief moment, it was like being a little kid again.

On the way home we stopped at Squam Marketplace and got your cousin, Harlan, a stuffed animal Moose that matches the one we have for you.  Neither of you will understand, but it will be nice to have that connection.  Mommy and Daddy will hold onto yours for you and smile when we cuddle it.

Your great uncle, his girlfriend and two of my cousins arrived here in NH today.  I am ashamed that I had a full blown panic attack upon their arrival.  Seeing new people who knew me so pregnant with you feels like a punch in the gut every time.  I know they love us and you, but that’s what kills me.  There was supposed to be a baby, a baby named Isaac, who was so loved already.  You were perfect but you are already gone.

Daddy rowed with your Grandpa again tonight.  He’s such an incredibly gifted natural athlete.  Let’s hope you would have had his good genes.  I think you would have loved watching fly across the cove.

I dreamt for the first time in a while last night.  I dreamt that you were very much still with us.  I was trying to make you smile for a picture.  I don’t remember the rest, but I woke with a start and quickly came to realize you weren’t here.  I had vaguely similar dreams before I was pregnant with you.  I always woke up supremely disappointed that I had not had a baby.   This was so much worse.  I got a tease of how beautiful our lives as a family could have been and woke to remember that it ended before it ever began.  I am so sorry I never got to make you smile.

I love you so much,

Mommy