Going through pregnancy I was always counting down the days until my next pregnancy related doctor’s appointment. While I always got anxious that something would be wrong at the next appointment, this approach made time pass. I think this is because it was a goal-oriented approach. Instead of counting down to the ultimate goal (having a baby), I broke it into mini targets. Sometimes I only had to make it a few days, but it was never more than 4 weeks at a time. For some reason, making it to 4 weeks ten times was a lot more manageable than making it to forty weeks once. Yes – they are both the same thing in the end, but time feels more manageable when broken down into smaller segments.
I didn’t make it to the ultimate goal in this case (that date will hit in about 12 days and I am intensely aware of it looming over me). Now we find ourselves starting over. We’re starting over with an unknown timeline. We don’t know when we could be expecting to have another baby. No one can promise a certain date at which we will be pregnant again. We still miss Isaac and we are still coming to terms with our loss and our grief. However, my husband and I agree that the thing that lets us keep going every day is that we are going to try again. We have the diapers, the crib, and the cute little outfits along with every other trendy baby gadget. We just don’t have our baby. If we wait for our grief to end to start trying again, we will be waiting our entire lives. Losing Isaac will hurt forever.
So, to pass the time faster, we are already starting the never-ending schedule of doctors’ appointments that will lead up to trying again. We have a ton of information flowing in about our loss. In terms of a future pregnancy (both getting pregnant and being pregnant), we have a ton of concerns to manage including Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, blood clotting genes, an autoimmune disease, and now Preeclampsia/HELLP Syndrome. Because we lost Isaac, we need a plan to manage all of this before we even begin trying to get pregnant. This Thursday we are going to see our fertility specialist. In a few weeks, when we have our final pathology report from Dartmouth, we’ll hopefully meet with a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. Then we’ll find a high-risk OB to help come up with a treatment plan for a future pregnancy. Once all of that happens, it will be almost time to try again. I hope.
Truth be told, I am terrified. I am scared that someone is going to tell me that we have to wait longer than we’re expecting (4 months or so). I am scared we won’t get pregnant nearly as quickly as we did the first time (first round of treatment). I am scared that we won’t get pregnant at all. I am scared that something will go wrong again. However, I know Isaac would have wanted a sibling – lots of siblings. We want him to have siblings. Being scared or paralyzed by our grief isn’t going to make that a reality.