Isaac’s due date was September 10, 2016. I counted down the days, weeks and months until that date on a regular basis from the moment it was given to me at an initial ultrasound. Isaac was still the size of a chocolate chip. When people would ask me, though, about my due date, I would say, “September 10th, but he’s likely to be induced the week before.” I was on Lovenox, and to ensure that I would not have any blood thinners in my system when I gave birth our MFM recommended induction at 39 weeks.
Our OB went back and forth on whether or not he would follow that advice throughout my pregnancy, but at my last visit, he finally settled on induction at 39 weeks. That would have been today. I can’t help but think about what we would have been doing right now. In fact, I wrote to Isaac last night about how I dreamed it would be today. His nursery would have been perfect. His bassinet would have been set up next to our bed. We’d be nervous but terribly excited.
For the past week, I had been getting increasingly anxious about this day and the week that will follow. September 10th will always be the date I counted down to and remember most distinctly, but today is the first time I should have been meeting our baby boy. Instead, he sits in a painfully small red velvet bag on top of one of our dressers. He’s been gone 7 weeks today.
There are a lot of things I wish I had planned for today, but I really could not get my act together. I didn’t know how I would feel when I woke up today. I don’t know how I will feel when I wake up on September 10th. I wish I had planned the tree planting for one of these days, but I didn’t.
It’s hard not to reflect back on the whole journey now. It seems like just yesterday it was January 3rd and I was trying to wake my husband up to tell him I thought I’d had a positive pregnancy test. For some reason, the first half of this summer feels like a lifetime ago. I wish I could say that I am feeling hopeful about our future right now, but I admittedly feel defeated. I should have been introducing our son to the world, but instead I am wondering when, if ever, my husband and I will be able to bring a baby home with us. Our home feels especially empty today.
Happy could have been birthday, Isaac.