A Difficult Week

Isaac’s due date was September 10, 2016.  I counted down the days, weeks and months until that date on a regular basis from the moment it was given to me at an initial ultrasound. Isaac was still the size of a chocolate chip.  When people would ask me, though, about my due date, I would say, “September 10th, but he’s likely to be induced the week before.”  I was on Lovenox, and to ensure that I would not have any blood thinners in my system when I gave birth our MFM recommended induction at 39 weeks.

Our OB went back and forth on whether or not he would follow that advice throughout my pregnancy, but at my last visit, he finally settled on induction at 39 weeks.  That would have been today.  I can’t help but think about what we would have been doing right now.  In fact, I wrote to Isaac last night about how I dreamed it would be today.  His nursery would have been perfect.  His bassinet would have been set up next to our bed.  We’d be nervous but terribly excited.

For the past week, I had been getting increasingly anxious about this day and the week that will follow.  September 10th will always be the date I counted down to and remember most distinctly, but today is the first time I should have been meeting our baby boy.  Instead, he sits in a painfully small red velvet bag on top of one of our dressers.  He’s been gone 7 weeks today.

There are a lot of things I wish I had planned for today, but I really could not get my act together.  I didn’t know how I would feel when I woke up today.  I don’t know how I will feel when I wake up on September 10th.  I wish I had planned the tree planting for one of these days, but I didn’t.

It’s hard not to reflect back on the whole journey now.  It seems like just yesterday it was January 3rd and I was trying to wake my husband up to tell him I thought I’d had a positive pregnancy test.  For some reason, the first half of this summer feels like a lifetime ago.  I wish I could say that I am feeling hopeful about our future right now, but I admittedly feel defeated.  I should have been introducing our son to the world, but instead I am wondering when, if ever, my husband and I will be able to bring a baby home with us.  Our home feels especially empty today.

Happy could have been birthday, Isaac.

8 thoughts on “A Difficult Week

  1. Im very sorry for your loss. My mom had a still born child, and to this day, I dont think shes gotten over it. Its been 16 years, and she had a child after him. My youngest brother is 13 now. I wish u comfort and peace in these trying times.

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  2. I so feel your pain today. My daughter’s due date was September 6th ~ her story is so close to yours. Her loss was earlier, May 7th. I cry tears for both of you and have you both in my prayers that there will be a child in your live’s to love and cherish soon. Brooke plans on trying to start again this month. She will be on daily Heparin shots. She was 35 in March and feels time is not in her favor. A new baby will never take the place of your lost children, but will bring sunshine back into your lives. Rainbow babies. Peace be with you this week and be kind to yourself. Vicki

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    • I hope your daughter and family are doing as well as they can during this tough week. I am envious that she can start trying again. We were told that because I carried to 34 weeks I have to wait 6-9 months to try a again…something about optimal interpregnancy intervals. I hope the MFM says differently but the studies I’ve read seem to suggest that I have to wait at least that long. It just seems like forever when we were ready now.

      I hope she gets her rainbow❤️💛💚💙💜

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      • Thank you for your reply and again, sending prayers your way. Time will pass quicker than you think and you will be trying for your rainbow baby before you know it. I have 4 other grandchildren, with my oldest son’s baby girl Ruby born on June 17th. Brooke also has 4 cousins that are expecting baby boys by the end of this year. This makes Brookes arms ache all the more for her own baby. I have faith that will happen.

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