Anxiety

Day 13

/ Isaac's Mom / Leave a comment

July 29, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Two weeks ago today, at the very moment, I was severely in labor with you.  You were about to tear into our lives less than two hours from now.  It really seems like just yesterday that you changed out lives forever.  Today was a big day.  I wrote to our lovely fertility doctor about developing a path to a baby sibling for you.  She may have thought I was crazy, but the idea of a plan keeps us sane.

Mommy and Daddy went into Meredith with your Grandma and Lisa today to check out some shops.  We shopped for a few hours and only ended up with a bit of candy.  We also went to Lakeside View for a burger, sandwich and Mommy’s first postpartum beer.  We even got Ben & Jerry’s ice cream cones after.  For a brief moment, it was like being a little kid again.

On the way home we stopped at Squam Marketplace and got your cousin, Harlan, a stuffed animal Moose that matches the one we have for you.  Neither of you will understand, but it will be nice to have that connection.  Mommy and Daddy will hold onto yours for you and smile when we cuddle it.

Your great uncle, his girlfriend and two of my cousins arrived here in NH today.  I am ashamed that I had a full blown panic attack upon their arrival.  Seeing new people who knew me so pregnant with you feels like a punch in the gut every time.  I know they love us and you, but that’s what kills me.  There was supposed to be a baby, a baby named Isaac, who was so loved already.  You were perfect but you are already gone.

Daddy rowed with your Grandpa again tonight.  He’s such an incredibly gifted natural athlete.  Let’s hope you would have had his good genes.  I think you would have loved watching fly across the cove.

I dreamt for the first time in a while last night.  I dreamt that you were very much still with us.  I was trying to make you smile for a picture.  I don’t remember the rest, but I woke with a start and quickly came to realize you weren’t here.  I had vaguely similar dreams before I was pregnant with you.  I always woke up supremely disappointed that I had not had a baby.   This was so much worse.  I got a tease of how beautiful our lives as a family could have been and woke to remember that it ended before it ever began.  I am so sorry I never got to make you smile.

I love you so much,

Mommy

Day 12

/ Isaac's Mom / Leave a comment

July 28, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Today was extra emotional for Mommy.  Losing you still feels like some weird out-of-body experience that must have happened to someone else.  I just couldn’t work on my Isaac projects because I missed you too badly to focus.  It’s possible that yesterday was so busy that I didn’t let myself miss you enough.  When I woke up, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I made a real effort for you.  I know you want me to try to be happy.  The garners brought and planted your tree today.  It’s about 15 feet tall and a Pin Oak.  Daddy, Mowgli and I watched them dig a great big hole to plant it.  It’s like the tree was meant to be here.  Pin Oaks grow fast and strong, just like you would have.  Some day, we’ll put a bench under its shade so we can read to you and feel close to you.  That’s all I can get, so I will take it.

Mommy and Daddy also went to meet your Grandma and Great Aunt Lisa at the League in Sandwich.  We got a really nice mug for Daddy that matches the one he has been using here.

We also went out to dinner for the first time.  We went to Squam Lake Inn.  It was a bit much for me still.  There were foods I couldn’t eat while pregnant with you.  I was trying to protect you (although it turns out I couldn’t after all). I also couldn’t have alcohol despite constantly craving a margarita. So tonight I decided to have some of the banned items.  I had tuna tartare and a margarita.  They were a huge let down.  I don’t want to be able to have them and they have therefore lost their appeal.  You see – I would rather have you in my belly.  I’d do anything.  I would even sacrifice my own life in a heartbeat to bring you back.

I know I have so much to be grateful for, but you are the most beautiful and innocent thing I ever was responsible for.  Daddy and I made you and we worked so hard to do so.  You were our miracle.

I never understood why people needed heaven until now.  Now, I get it.  You must be in some heaven.  I can’t understand a world where your spirit doesn’t live on.  We just love you too much.

Sweet dreams, Isaac.

Love Forever,

Mommy