July 30, 2016
Happy two-week birthday-versary. It seems today was our last day in New Hampshire. I say “it seems” because I won’t believe it until Daddy has managed to drag me out of here kicking and screaming. I know we have our physical pieces of you, but I can’t help but feel like I am leaving you behind. We brought you here a bouncing baby in my belly, who we absolutely could not wait to meet. We leave with a tiny (impossibly tiny) bag, broken hearts, and lonely belly. This is the last place we were together as a family, the last place I felt you rolling around inside me. This is the place where we lost you, the place I had to live on without you, the place I labored, and the place I delivered you with Daddy firmly by my side. The is the place where we held you, cried for you and played “Crazy Love”, our first wedding dance song, while cherishing our final moments with you. This is the place your Daddy worked so hard to help me heal physically and emotionally. This is the place where I realized how strongly I could love (both you and Daddy). This just feels like our place and I don’t want to leave it.
Home will be empty without you and lonely without my parents. Home means life is one step closer to a new normal that I so desperately want to avoid. Home means seeing your nursery returned to an unassuming guest room. Home means pretending all of this didn’t happen if I want to function. I love home – I do. But it feels like I am leaving part of my soul in New Hampshire.
I hope you will follow me home. Everyone says that you will, but I struggle to believe that you won’t feel a bit more distant.
On a different note, I finally carved your sign with your Grandpa’s help. We didn’t have some of the finishing tools, so your Grandpa is going to sand, varnish and frame it for us. It should come as no shock that your Daddy picked red paint for the lettering.
Speare Memorial Hospital is naming our room there after you. Hopefully, we can return Columbus Day to see it. Your Grandpa gave a beautiful toast during our chili dinner tonight. There were a number of tears shed. There were no jokes, just kind complimenting words. He told us we were parents now because of you and that nothing can change that. It is so very true. I am so proud and honored to be your mommy, no matter the pain.
I love you so dearly,
July 29, 2016
Two weeks ago today, at the very moment, I was severely in labor with you. You were about to tear into our lives less than two hours from now. It really seems like just yesterday that you changed out lives forever. Today was a big day. I wrote to our lovely fertility doctor about developing a path to a baby sibling for you. She may have thought I was crazy, but the idea of a plan keeps us sane.
Mommy and Daddy went into Meredith with your Grandma and Lisa today to check out some shops. We shopped for a few hours and only ended up with a bit of candy. We also went to Lakeside View for a burger, sandwich and Mommy’s first postpartum beer. We even got Ben & Jerry’s ice cream cones after. For a brief moment, it was like being a little kid again.
On the way home we stopped at Squam Marketplace and got your cousin, Harlan, a stuffed animal Moose that matches the one we have for you. Neither of you will understand, but it will be nice to have that connection. Mommy and Daddy will hold onto yours for you and smile when we cuddle it.
Your great uncle, his girlfriend and two of my cousins arrived here in NH today. I am ashamed that I had a full blown panic attack upon their arrival. Seeing new people who knew me so pregnant with you feels like a punch in the gut every time. I know they love us and you, but that’s what kills me. There was supposed to be a baby, a baby named Isaac, who was so loved already. You were perfect but you are already gone.
Daddy rowed with your Grandpa again tonight. He’s such an incredibly gifted natural athlete. Let’s hope you would have had his good genes. I think you would have loved watching fly across the cove.
I dreamt for the first time in a while last night. I dreamt that you were very much still with us. I was trying to make you smile for a picture. I don’t remember the rest, but I woke with a start and quickly came to realize you weren’t here. I had vaguely similar dreams before I was pregnant with you. I always woke up supremely disappointed that I had not had a baby. This was so much worse. I got a tease of how beautiful our lives as a family could have been and woke to remember that it ended before it ever began. I am so sorry I never got to make you smile.
I love you so much,
July 28, 2016
Today was extra emotional for Mommy. Losing you still feels like some weird out-of-body experience that must have happened to someone else. I just couldn’t work on my Isaac projects because I missed you too badly to focus. It’s possible that yesterday was so busy that I didn’t let myself miss you enough. When I woke up, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I made a real effort for you. I know you want me to try to be happy. The garners brought and planted your tree today. It’s about 15 feet tall and a Pin Oak. Daddy, Mowgli and I watched them dig a great big hole to plant it. It’s like the tree was meant to be here. Pin Oaks grow fast and strong, just like you would have. Some day, we’ll put a bench under its shade so we can read to you and feel close to you. That’s all I can get, so I will take it.
Mommy and Daddy also went to meet your Grandma and Great Aunt Lisa at the League in Sandwich. We got a really nice mug for Daddy that matches the one he has been using here.
We also went out to dinner for the first time. We went to Squam Lake Inn. It was a bit much for me still. There were foods I couldn’t eat while pregnant with you. I was trying to protect you (although it turns out I couldn’t after all). I also couldn’t have alcohol despite constantly craving a margarita. So tonight I decided to have some of the banned items. I had tuna tartare and a margarita. They were a huge let down. I don’t want to be able to have them and they have therefore lost their appeal. You see – I would rather have you in my belly. I’d do anything. I would even sacrifice my own life in a heartbeat to bring you back.
I know I have so much to be grateful for, but you are the most beautiful and innocent thing I ever was responsible for. Daddy and I made you and we worked so hard to do so. You were our miracle.
I never understood why people needed heaven until now. Now, I get it. You must be in some heaven. I can’t understand a world where your spirit doesn’t live on. We just love you too much.
Sweet dreams, Isaac.
July 27, 2016
Today was a busy day. Dadd and I went to my second blood pressure check. My medicine is working and my blood pressure has finally returned to a normal level. I also had to get some blood work. I was so scared after the difficulty they had when I was having you. The nurse was the one who had to get down on the floor to draw blood from my fingertips. She could not believe how different I looked. Retrospectively, my face was SO swollen. The nurse told me her sister-in-law went through the same thing we’re going through with her first and went on to have three normal pregnancies. Daddy and I would love to give you three healthy little brothers or sisters. I promise to tell them all about their handsome big brother.
On the way to the doctor, we stopped and got a new dress for me at a totally out of place boutique in Ashland. We are going out to dinner with my family and I no longer have any clothes that fit since I have lost at least 25 pounds since I had you. We also stopped at two hardware stores to find the right sized Dremel bit for making signs. I’m determined to make your signs perfect. Your daddy found his favorite southern soda, big Red. We even stopped for ice cream before heading to Speare.
When we finally got home, we found out that 23 people donated to Speare’s Labor & Delivery Department in your memory. It’s amazing to see how much you affected people and also oddly relieving to know that your passing can help other families somehow. If we can’t have you, at least we can help someone else.
I practiced writing your name with the Dremel and have moderately improved. I didn’t have a ton of time because I took the 13 foot Whaler out while you Daddy practiced rowing in a single for the first time. He looked great, he didn’t flip, and his smile melted my sad heart. I bet you would have had a smile just like him.
Lisa made Shepherd’s Pie tonight. It’s such an amazing comfort food and I really needed it after such a (comparatively) busy day. As I finish with the day’s distractions and get tired, my mind wanders to “what-ifs” and anger, and fixates on losing you. I’m supposed to be almost 34 weeks pregnant with you rolling around in my belly. I’m supposed to be finishing your nursery. Daddy and I are supposed to be waiting for you and looking forward to meeting you. Instead, we are heartbroken and missing you. An actual piece of me is gone. I actually slapped myself earlier to make sure I wouldn’t wake up and realize this was all a terrible dream. I’m trying to tell that I miss you, I love you, and that I would do ANYTHING to have you back where you belong.
Love you to the moon and back,