Loss

Day 9

/ Isaac's Mom / Leave a comment

July 25, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Today your Grandma and Grandpa brought you home to us.  For obvious reasons, it was really hard.  Your Grandma went to pass you to me in your alarmingly tiny red velvet bag and I froze.  Fortunately, you have the strongest Daddy in the world and he stepped in.  We took you to our NH temporary home (The Bunk House) and looked at the pictures from our brief time together.  I hugged your tiny hat and held your baby hospital bracelet.  Daddy and I had a good solid cry and tucked you in for now.

Your Grandpa brought me back a Dremel to use to make some “Isaac” signs.  He’s an incredibly generous man.  When I was maybe 13 years old (maybe 11?), my parents sent me to an overnight camp.  The camp was primarily for sports.  While I got significantly more athletic as an adult, I was an asthmatic wimp back then (some would joke that I still am).  I hated camp but for one activity.  In the woodshop, we would use a router to carve wooden signs.  When I came home, I insisted on making them for al of the New Hampshire houses and more.  Hopefully eighteen years or so later I can still figure it out.

I also started practicing embroidery to make the project I had once planned for your nursery. It will say, “When it rains look for rainbows.  When it’s dark look for stars.”  I’m hoping these words I meant to encourage you as you grew will both remind me of you and remind me to find positives in the darkest of times such as these. I’m an amateur at best, but hope I can make something as good as you deserve.

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Your Daddy and Grandpa went rowing in the double today.  Your Grandpa is one of the top rowers in his age group, in the world, and it turns out your Daddy is a natural.  You should have seen them flying across the cover.  I wish they could have taught you.  I know you would have been tall and a natural as well.  Your Daddy is such an athlete.  He runs fast, he hikes fast and now he rows fast.  He’s just so good at everything he puts his mind to.  He’s the coolest daddy around and I so wish I could have seen you together.  I bet he’s dreaming of you right this very moment.  I love you more than anyone else ever could, but your Daddy is the closest second.  Goodnight, my sweet boy.

Love you forever,

Mommy

Day 8

/ Isaac's Mom / Leave a comment

July 24, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Tomorrow, we get a piece of you back . . . a physical piece that is.  On the one hand, this is not at all what I want.  I want to hold you in my arms.  I want to cuddle you.  I want to sing to you, to feed you and change your diapers.  I want to know what color your eyes would have been.  I want to watch you flourish and become the amazing son and man that I know you would have been.  On the other hand, I know that is not possible, and a small physical piece of you is better than nothing at all.

Mommy had a hard day of missing you, Isaac.  I keep waiting for someone to wake me up from this twisted nightmare.  This was never how it was supposed to be.  If Mommy and Daddy’s love alone had been all you needed, you would have lived forever.

I’m sorry to be such a downer – I did, after all, promise lighter and happier things.  We made “progress” today.  Daddy convinced Mommy to get in Big Brown again.  You see, we went out on a lunch and ice cream adventure to Squam Marketplace in Big Brown the day before we lost you.  The idea of going without you terrified me.  I decided I just had to push through the sadness and go for it, or risk never getting in that beautiful boat again.  Daddy and I sat in the way back.  Sure – I bawled the first few minutes (I miss my baby), but slowly I let Daddy, the beautiful day and the gorgeous lake remind me that life (as terrible as it may seem at times) is still something to cherish.  You aren’t here to enjoy things like boat rides; so I have to appreciate them for the both of us.  I am choosing to live and enjoy my life, and be a better person while doing so, because you deserve it.

Also, your Daddy was amazing.  He comforted me and sheltered me from the cold spraying water.  We even had a date (of sorts) tonight.  We watched a cheesy movie (Terminator), ate Meatloaf and had some wine.  I didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as I love him.

The rest of the family went out.  We considered going, but Daddy decided I am not ready and he is almost always right.  If I am overwhelmed by the family dinner table, how will I feel in public?  Right now? Raw, exposed and vulnerable.  Plus the idea of pants or other clothing makes me way too uncomfortable.  Besides, the alone time with Daddy was much needed.  Did I mention I’ll love him?  I’ll have to start telling you stories about our nearly 6 years together.  If someone had told us 6 years ago where we would be today, we would not have believed it, but despite the pain I would do it all over again for the time we had with you.

Love you always,

Mommy

Day 6

/ Isaac's Mom / Leave a comment

July 22, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday.  It is unfathomable to me that a week ago, you and I were ripping through the final stages of labor.  It really still feels like time should have stopped without you.  While life is utterly worth living, it’s a small mercy that you will never have to learn first hand that life is not fair.

Some people continue to amaze me with their compassion and kindness.  Writing to you each night has been the most therapeutic thing for me each day.  Your grandpa’s best friend and his wife sent a truly beautiful journal with the sweetest note about how sometimes the most comforting words are our own.  I always joked that you were going to have the most “aunties” and “uncles” of any kid out there.  So many people were so excited to meet you and spoil you.  I hope you know how deeply loved you were.

Mommy tried some coping mechanisms today.  Your Aunt Izzy purchased us a coloring book called “Release Your Anger”. It’s a book full of illustrated bad words that mommy and Daddy would never have let you use.  Coloring was the most relievingly mindless activity.  I also looked at some blogs and quotes from people who have similarly had to say goodbye to their perfect babies far too soon.  We feel sad and empty without you.  While I wish no one else ever had to experience such a gut-wrenching loss, it is comforting to know that we are not alone and that what we feel is some sad sort of normal.

I promise to write you happier things soon!  I’ll leave you with something positive.  Aunt Lisa made meatloaf tonight.  She’s spoiling me with my favorites and it was thoroughly delicious.  I can feel my appetite starting to return.

Anyways, I miss you so much wherever you are.  I hope my love is reaching you.

Love forever and always,

Your Mommy

Day 5

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July 21, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

A week ago today I felt you wiggle around inside me for the last time.  Of course I woke up bright and early wishing for a do-over where I realized you were trying to tell me something was wrong.  It seems so obvious in retrospect.  While part of me realizes I am not a doctor and that I could not have known, another can’t believe that of all the people in the world, your overly cautious mother missed such a major problem.  No matter whose fault it is, or even if it’s no one’s fault, I am so terribly sorry.

Physically, mommy is starting to feel better.  I find myself missing the pain that made me feel closer to you (you perfect little munchkin).  I know that’s weird, but I don’t care.  I will never be over losing you and signs of life returning to a new normal terrify me.  I know you would want me to be happy, so I promise to try.

Your G.G. (great grandma) and Great Aunt Sisa arrived last night.  It was relieving to tell your birth story (traumatic as it was for us) to someone who loved you so much and was not here for it.  Lisa made salmon pasta for us.  Isaac, some day you were going to love that stuff as much as Mommy and Daddy.  I wasn’t quite ready for a post-dinner boat ride.  My last ride was with you and I just wasn’t ready to go without you.  I’ll never be “ready” but I may try tomorrow.

Speaking of boats, my parents and I talked about naming the forthcoming boat for you again.  It’s so great.  It’s going to be the nicest wooden boat on Squam Lake. You’re going to love it.

Love forever and always,

Mommy