July 21, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

A week ago today I felt you wiggle around inside me for the last time.  Of course I woke up bright and early wishing for a do-over where I realized you were trying to tell me something was wrong.  It seems so obvious in retrospect.  While part of me realizes I am not a doctor and that I could not have known, another can’t believe that of all the people in the world, your overly cautious mother missed such a major problem.  No matter whose fault it is, or even if it’s no one’s fault, I am so terribly sorry.

Physically, mommy is starting to feel better.  I find myself missing the pain that made me feel closer to you (you perfect little munchkin).  I know that’s weird, but I don’t care.  I will never be over losing you and signs of life returning to a new normal terrify me.  I know you would want me to be happy, so I promise to try.

Your G.G. (great grandma) and Great Aunt Sisa arrived last night.  It was relieving to tell your birth story (traumatic as it was for us) to someone who loved you so much and was not here for it.  Lisa made salmon pasta for us.  Isaac, some day you were going to love that stuff as much as Mommy and Daddy.  I wasn’t quite ready for a post-dinner boat ride.  My last ride was with you and I just wasn’t ready to go without you.  I’ll never be “ready” but I may try tomorrow.

Speaking of boats, my parents and I talked about naming the forthcoming boat for you again.  It’s so great.  It’s going to be the nicest wooden boat on Squam Lake. You’re going to love it.

Love forever and always,

Mommy