Postpartum

Day 11

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July 27, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Today was a busy day.  Dadd and I went to my second blood pressure check.  My medicine is working and my blood pressure has finally returned to a normal level.  I also had to get some blood work.  I was so scared after the difficulty they had when I was having you.  The nurse was the one who had to get down on the floor to draw blood from my fingertips.  She could not believe how different I looked.  Retrospectively, my face was SO swollen.  The nurse told me her sister-in-law went through the same thing we’re going through with her first and went on to have three normal pregnancies.  Daddy and I would love to give you three healthy little brothers or sisters.  I promise to tell them all about their handsome big brother.

On the way to the doctor, we stopped and got a new dress for me at a totally out of place boutique in Ashland.  We are going out to dinner with my family and I no longer have any clothes that fit since I have lost at least 25 pounds since I had you.  We also stopped at two hardware stores to find the right sized Dremel bit for making signs.  I’m determined to make your signs perfect.  Your daddy found his favorite southern soda, big Red.  We even stopped for ice cream before heading to Speare.

When we finally got home, we found out that 23 people donated to Speare’s Labor & Delivery Department in your memory.  It’s amazing to see how much you affected people and also oddly relieving to know that your passing can help other families somehow.  If we can’t have you, at least we can help someone else.

I practiced writing your name with the Dremel and have moderately improved.  I didn’t have a ton of time because I took the 13 foot Whaler out while you Daddy practiced rowing in a single for the first time.  He looked great, he didn’t flip, and his smile melted my sad heart.  I bet you would have had a smile just like him.

Lisa made Shepherd’s Pie tonight.  It’s such an amazing comfort food and I really needed it after such a (comparatively) busy day.  As I finish with the day’s distractions and get tired, my mind wanders to “what-ifs” and anger, and fixates on losing you.  I’m supposed to be almost 34 weeks pregnant with you rolling around in my belly.  I’m supposed to be finishing your nursery.  Daddy and I are supposed to be waiting for you and looking forward to meeting you.  Instead, we are heartbroken and missing you.  An actual piece of me is gone.  I actually slapped myself earlier to make sure I wouldn’t wake up and realize this was all a terrible dream.  I’m trying to tell that I miss you, I love you, and that I would do ANYTHING to have you back where you belong.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mommy

Day 10

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July 26, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

I cannot believe you were born 10 days ago.  It simultaneously feels like a lifetime ago and the blink of an eye.  I’ve already told you how I wish time would stop.  Part of me is just scared that people will forget about how important you are or that they will fail to understand that it still hurts so badly.  Your Daddy and I will never forget you and will never forget how important you are to us.  You made us parents and you are our son.

I left the house today by choice (not for a doctor).  Daddy and I went to the Squam Marketplace in Holderness.  I was trying to be strong for you and I did alright at first.   I picked some wine and browsed a bit while Daddy ordered our sandwiches.  I had forgotten that the store sold onesies that matched our T-shirts (yes – we accidentally wore matching T-shirts from where we got lunch).  I avoided that section but got upset when I remembered.  Then I realized there were little boys all over the shop and got too upset to stay.  Jealousy is not cute, but I was sad and angry that we would never get to be those families.  Your daddy comforted me (as always) and took me home.

I did my best to keep busy.  I learned two more of the stitches I need for our rainbow embroidery.  French knots are SO hard for me, but I will keep practicing.  I also started practicing with the Dremel!  My first “I” was pretty rough.  Things seemed to improve when I tried cursive.  I wish I had better handwriting.  I will probably make at least twenty signs before I start to think they are good enough.  I had been feeling this sense of urgency on these projects, but am realizing it is better to really practice and make them as nice as you deserve.

I just hope wherever you are you can feel how much I love and miss you – your Daddy too.  Goodnight, sweet baby.

Love you the most,

Mommy

P.S. Daddy and I looked at the stars for a bit tonight.  We know you’re out there.

Day 9

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July 25, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Today your Grandma and Grandpa brought you home to us.  For obvious reasons, it was really hard.  Your Grandma went to pass you to me in your alarmingly tiny red velvet bag and I froze.  Fortunately, you have the strongest Daddy in the world and he stepped in.  We took you to our NH temporary home (The Bunk House) and looked at the pictures from our brief time together.  I hugged your tiny hat and held your baby hospital bracelet.  Daddy and I had a good solid cry and tucked you in for now.

Your Grandpa brought me back a Dremel to use to make some “Isaac” signs.  He’s an incredibly generous man.  When I was maybe 13 years old (maybe 11?), my parents sent me to an overnight camp.  The camp was primarily for sports.  While I got significantly more athletic as an adult, I was an asthmatic wimp back then (some would joke that I still am).  I hated camp but for one activity.  In the woodshop, we would use a router to carve wooden signs.  When I came home, I insisted on making them for al of the New Hampshire houses and more.  Hopefully eighteen years or so later I can still figure it out.

I also started practicing embroidery to make the project I had once planned for your nursery. It will say, “When it rains look for rainbows.  When it’s dark look for stars.”  I’m hoping these words I meant to encourage you as you grew will both remind me of you and remind me to find positives in the darkest of times such as these. I’m an amateur at best, but hope I can make something as good as you deserve.

IMG_2137

Your Daddy and Grandpa went rowing in the double today.  Your Grandpa is one of the top rowers in his age group, in the world, and it turns out your Daddy is a natural.  You should have seen them flying across the cover.  I wish they could have taught you.  I know you would have been tall and a natural as well.  Your Daddy is such an athlete.  He runs fast, he hikes fast and now he rows fast.  He’s just so good at everything he puts his mind to.  He’s the coolest daddy around and I so wish I could have seen you together.  I bet he’s dreaming of you right this very moment.  I love you more than anyone else ever could, but your Daddy is the closest second.  Goodnight, my sweet boy.

Love you forever,

Mommy

Day 8

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July 24, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Tomorrow, we get a piece of you back . . . a physical piece that is.  On the one hand, this is not at all what I want.  I want to hold you in my arms.  I want to cuddle you.  I want to sing to you, to feed you and change your diapers.  I want to know what color your eyes would have been.  I want to watch you flourish and become the amazing son and man that I know you would have been.  On the other hand, I know that is not possible, and a small physical piece of you is better than nothing at all.

Mommy had a hard day of missing you, Isaac.  I keep waiting for someone to wake me up from this twisted nightmare.  This was never how it was supposed to be.  If Mommy and Daddy’s love alone had been all you needed, you would have lived forever.

I’m sorry to be such a downer – I did, after all, promise lighter and happier things.  We made “progress” today.  Daddy convinced Mommy to get in Big Brown again.  You see, we went out on a lunch and ice cream adventure to Squam Marketplace in Big Brown the day before we lost you.  The idea of going without you terrified me.  I decided I just had to push through the sadness and go for it, or risk never getting in that beautiful boat again.  Daddy and I sat in the way back.  Sure – I bawled the first few minutes (I miss my baby), but slowly I let Daddy, the beautiful day and the gorgeous lake remind me that life (as terrible as it may seem at times) is still something to cherish.  You aren’t here to enjoy things like boat rides; so I have to appreciate them for the both of us.  I am choosing to live and enjoy my life, and be a better person while doing so, because you deserve it.

Also, your Daddy was amazing.  He comforted me and sheltered me from the cold spraying water.  We even had a date (of sorts) tonight.  We watched a cheesy movie (Terminator), ate Meatloaf and had some wine.  I didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as I love him.

The rest of the family went out.  We considered going, but Daddy decided I am not ready and he is almost always right.  If I am overwhelmed by the family dinner table, how will I feel in public?  Right now? Raw, exposed and vulnerable.  Plus the idea of pants or other clothing makes me way too uncomfortable.  Besides, the alone time with Daddy was much needed.  Did I mention I’ll love him?  I’ll have to start telling you stories about our nearly 6 years together.  If someone had told us 6 years ago where we would be today, we would not have believed it, but despite the pain I would do it all over again for the time we had with you.

Love you always,

Mommy

Day 5

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July 21, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

A week ago today I felt you wiggle around inside me for the last time.  Of course I woke up bright and early wishing for a do-over where I realized you were trying to tell me something was wrong.  It seems so obvious in retrospect.  While part of me realizes I am not a doctor and that I could not have known, another can’t believe that of all the people in the world, your overly cautious mother missed such a major problem.  No matter whose fault it is, or even if it’s no one’s fault, I am so terribly sorry.

Physically, mommy is starting to feel better.  I find myself missing the pain that made me feel closer to you (you perfect little munchkin).  I know that’s weird, but I don’t care.  I will never be over losing you and signs of life returning to a new normal terrify me.  I know you would want me to be happy, so I promise to try.

Your G.G. (great grandma) and Great Aunt Sisa arrived last night.  It was relieving to tell your birth story (traumatic as it was for us) to someone who loved you so much and was not here for it.  Lisa made salmon pasta for us.  Isaac, some day you were going to love that stuff as much as Mommy and Daddy.  I wasn’t quite ready for a post-dinner boat ride.  My last ride was with you and I just wasn’t ready to go without you.  I’ll never be “ready” but I may try tomorrow.

Speaking of boats, my parents and I talked about naming the forthcoming boat for you again.  It’s so great.  It’s going to be the nicest wooden boat on Squam Lake. You’re going to love it.

Love forever and always,

Mommy