July 20, 2016

Dearest Isaac,

Mommy and Daddy ventured out into the world today.  Admittedly it was a forced march.  It turns out Mommy still has high blood pressure.  I know I was very sick when you were born, but I suspect some of the pressure comes from missing you so badly.

Watching things start to return to normal is wildly upsetting.  I know everyone is hurting in your absence, but people are adjusting a bit already.  I am not and selfishly wish the whole world could freeze.  I love you so much that I actually want to be tortured by losing you.  I AM tortured by losing you.

Daddy and I had to go to the funeral home today.  We were so close to you physically and it was torture not to be able to see you one last time.  I would do anything to hold you for another minute.  It is a small comfort that you are wearing Mommy and Daddy’s Thailand bracelets.  They are fancy – in fact, many would be inclined to throw them away.  However, those bracelets are a distinct sentimental piece of your parents.  WE got those bracelets on our honeymoon to Thailand just over two years ago.  Mommy had gotten every bad piece of luck available at this famous temple.  Finally, a monk gave us each a bracelet for luck and hit us with a wet stick to seal the deal (this was a part of the prayer).  I know these bracelets worked.  Before the bracelets, my fortune there said that I would not get pregnant, but low and behold we conceived you!  It just seemed fitting that you should take these pieces of your parents that gave us the blessing of knowing you.

We would have loved to take you back to Thailand.  Maybe we can find a way once you’re returned to us.  They love babies there.  We will certainly find ways to take you everywhere we go.

Mommy’s mom and sister got Mommy an urn necklace in which I can wear a piece of you all the time.  It was very sweet.  I am also looking at some rings to remember your overly warm birth month!  Other people are doing very generous things in your honor.  The room I gave birth to you in is being dedicated to you.  “The Isaac Immel Delivery Suite” would have a nice ring to it.  Further, gifts have flooded into the hospital from people who loved you and us.  Generosity knows no bounds.  Finally, Grandpa proposed naming his new wooden boat “I.I.”  It is a perfect play on aye aye…so much generosity out of love for you.  So I guess today did have some high points.  Thanks for helping me realize that.  On that note, Mommy has to sign off.  Mourning you has exhausted me to my core.  So know that if I was there with you, I’d sing you a lullaby and tuck you in cozily beside me.  But you aren’t here, so “Goodnight and I love you” have to suffice.

Love you forever,

Mommy